A slice of my pain

 Whenever something reminds me that I have  a blog…. I come here just to see what Ive been writing all this while, which is not much as I can see and also I rarely write when I am happy. Maybe because happiness does not weigh us down like sadness does . Sadness needs to be written down an a peace of paper so that you can  put the weight down , feel a little light, get a little clarity. Stress ,anxiety, sadness and plethora of combinations and permutations of this have the ability to narrow down our perspective to see only what is bad and to how worse can it get and stick your brain to that train of thoughts. It’s  truly exhausting .

Anyways, maybe I come here to write sometimes because I feel that now when I speak to others about what I am going through, they can’t quite comprehend the gravity of my situation or maybe no one can empathise with me. And when you’ve been dealing with something for so long, people assume that its just who you are. My problems should  not be someone else’s  dinner table discussion . But I  show myself some kindness by allowing myself to find my coping mechanisms. Something that allows me to vent without feeling judged. That is it . That’s why I write my sorrows away like I wish I could just cast them away by writing about them.

I’ve had this epiphany that I had been living my life wrong, I would fret about meaningless, futile issues, worry about trivial things, always tried to find my worth in other’s opinions. I always postponed happiness as if it was tied to some goalpost and I could only be truly happy when I reached there.As much idiotic that sounds and then imagine living 3 decades of your life like that.That wisdom of not living like that came a little late. The realisation of that goalpost keeps moving and you won’t reach it came late . But who is to decide that it is late .  After all this time ,  still giving the reigns of my happiness in society’s hands is foolish. Sometimes I feel that if I can obsessively overthink the worst case scenarios , maybe I have the capability to overthink the best outcomes too. Its hard with perpetual pain in the background but i guess this is the indomitable human spirit that  they talk about in books and write poetry about .Like the saying goes “pain is inevitable but suffering is optional”  and so now it is my turn to impersonate that very Indomitable human spirit………..

God bless me.